Wolverine versus the What!
by Be Kat
Summary: The Wolverine is unbeatable, untouchable, a healing god among mutants... right? Wrong! Two versions of an idea, love to hear which one you guys think is best!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **_NAKED LOGAN!!! _//clears throat// Now that I have your attention, I would like to remind you that I own nothing.

**Summary: **Little idea that popped into my head during Organic Chem - I mean, heck, I have nothing else to do during that class, right? Sort of a mix between fluff and, well, fluff - that makes it, what, fluff? ;-) Not much point, just fun to write and I hope fun to read; I decided to give all ya little Logan-loving fanfic readers like moi a dose of Wolverine-style humor. I actually wrote two different versions of the original idea (the second 'chapter' is the other version) - this was my favorite, but I'd like your opinions on which was better. Although this chapter's Logan is much less gruff and more intelligent than my normal Logan. //shrugs// What can I say, he was having a good day. Rating is for swearing, bondage mention, and... adult content type stuff. Just talk, no action :-( lol Reviews and opinions would be great on which version is the better.

For all my Belt Buckle readers, hope is nigh, due to your intense interest in a sequel I'm working on another chapter for it. Not sure when it'll be up, but Logan is hinting at an argument between the two buckles in his life... ought to be interesting at the least ;-) Oh, prob'ly should mention this is Jubine, or Jubiline, or Lubilee, or whatever it is you call a Jubilee/Logan relationship. Adult Jubilee people, gosh... get your mind outa the gutter //winks// There's not enough room for all of us in **my **gutter. Go find your own.

* * *

"Hey, Wolvie, could you help me with this?"

Logan looked up from his chair, where he had been pretending to read the newspaper. Pretending, because in reality he was watching the way Jubilee walked when she knew that he knew that she knew he was looking... a sort of ballad inspiring stroll. Nobody looked better than his Jubilee when she decided to sway those hips. Still, appearances must be kept up. Thus the pretense. He turned to see her back facing towards him as she bent over something on the counter.

"Depends on what you want help with darlin'."

Hell with pretenses. Logan let loose a low growl as he stood, stalking his wife the way he'd seen her stalking clothing in the mall. Slow and easy, pretend you're not looking at it in case someone else notices, then the lunge...

"Logan! I'm busy here."

Jubilee glared up at him as he grinned unapologetically. He couldn't really apologize for something he wasn't sorry for, now could he? And how he was supposed to be sorry for tackling his wife to the ground... well, that was beyond him. Besides, he was unaccountably comfortable, the voluptuous Jubilee between him and a rather luxurious carpet. Now all they needed was some whipped cream... no, too messy, perhaps strawberries and chocolate... yes...

"You're grinning all goofy again."

Glaring at her, goofy grin wiped clean, Logan growled, bending closer. Jubilee squirmed.

"Logan, you get off me. This instant."

Logan growled more, and Jubilee stopped squirming. He grinned mentally. Ah, he knew she would give in for the growl...

_paff paff paff BOOM_

Sparklers exploded over his head, making him leap up in retaliation to a non-existent threat. Jubilee jumped up as well, straightening her clothes. She smiled primly at him as she turned back to the counter. Logan sighed his defeat and joined her, wrapping his arms around her waist and settling his chin into her shoulder. He examined the package before them. It was the size of a shoebox, and besides appearing somewhat heavy, he couldn't imagine why it would be more interesting than him.

"So wha's in it?"

He decided to try a kiss on the side of the neck. Please let it go, please let it go, I need my hearing and eyesight intact for tomorrow in the Danger Room...

Jubilee stomped lightly on his foot. "Don't try anything stud, I'm still tired from last night. Besides, we have the whole honeymoon. And you promised."

Logan sighed again and stood up, his arms still wrapped around Jubilee. That stupid promise - why couldn't one of the girls help her decorate before they left? Why had he ever promised to put off the honeymoon in the first place?

A slideshow of naked and pleading Jubilees paraded before his eyes. He smiled, staring somewhat blankly at a hideously yellow plate. Ah yes, now he remembered.

"Wolvie, I can't get this undone."

Logan reached around her, ostentatiously to take the scissors, but more importantly, to trap his wife between him and the counter. Jubilee elbowed him gently in the stomach. He pretended indignant protest even as he tried to manipulate the package around. He knew from years of experience that if the little firecracker really wanted to lay the Wolverine low, she would do so with absolutely no compunction.

"Damn, who sen' this thing?" He wriggled the flamboyantly orange handles around to no avail. "Ow!" He dropped the scissors, nursing a small and instantly healed gash in his finger. Jubilee jumped at his exclamation and checked the finger swiftly, pressing a kiss to the unmarked flesh before answering.

"Pyro, I think. Now he's come back to the mansion, he's been wrapping everything in ducktape." She turned the box around and ran a hand over the package in proof. Great swathes of silver tape obscured all but a single bare inch of box, which was covered with a sticker reading '_Hope you like it Sheila. Ought to make Wolvie-boy happy_'. Logan snorted.

"Here, darlin', move outa the way so I can take this apart."

Jubilee obligingly slid out as Logan released his grip. Growling softly to himself, he popped a claw. He winked at Jubilee, who rolled her eyes.

"Logan, isn't that a little overkill?"

Logan ignored her, sliding the blade carefully under a miraculously loosened stretch of tape. "Another second and y' can open yer package hon." He bumped gently against her. She huffed and turned on her heel. Logan turned to call after her, when he realized the package was still attached to his knuckles. Frowning, he jiggled his hand. The box remained stubbornly stuck. Logan frowned. Perhaps his claw was dull.

This could potentially be a major problem; how to sharpen a metal that was indestructible.

Grimacing, he grasped the box firmly with the opposite hand and pulled. The ducktape stayed firmly and immovably stuck. Logan's frown started to show a tinge of desperation.

Think; perhaps something's wrong with that blade. Yes, that's it. I'll pop the others and cut the damn thing to smithereens.

Two other _snikts _made Jubilee turn her head from a mental count of cutlery. "Wolvie, are you alright?"

'Wolvie' gritted his teeth at the once-hated nickname and growled out, "Fine," before sliding the remaining two blades on his right hand under the piece of ducktape and pulling. Hard.

Muscles bulged, teeth ground, and feet began to slide. A drop of sweat dripped down the Wolverine's face.

Nothing, however, changed in regard to the package's appearance. The stretch of tape elongated, twisting inward to a doubled up slip of tape.

Logan stopped pulling and stared. Not only was he inexplicably unable to cut through the irritating application, but he was now firmly stuck between two layers of the stuff.

What was going on?!

Logan stared at the tape wrapped around his blades, dull grey against the shiny silver, and uncomprehendingly shook the box from side to side. It swung lazily, mocking the rapidly bristling mutant attached to it.

Growling loudly, Logan formed his hand into a fist. Pressing down with his captured hand and holding the box firmly against the counter, he swung with one last defiant snarl.

_plop_

Muscles strained to eject the blades. They finally began to slide out, slowly, torturously... but none of them made more than a minute dent upon the silver-wrapped monstrosity. Instead, his hand moved back from the box, inch by inch for each piece of shining adamantium to appear. A pulse throbbed angrily in Wolverine's neck.

"Babe, are you okay?"

Jubilee had reappeared in the doorway, a dishrag draped over her arm. Outside, a view of the mansion peeked through the doorway of their private bungalow, a concession made by Xavier when he realized it was hardly an amorous or relaxed atmosphere for married couples up at the rapidly filling school. Logan snarled loudly, and the pulse danced a tango in his jugular. Jubilee took that as a decisive no.

"Let me help..."

Grabbing a loose exacto, Jubilee advanced upon her furious husband.

"Now, take it easy babe... I'm sure this is just John's idea of gift wrapping."

Logan slid the blades on his left hand under another slightly loose section of ducktape before Jubilee could stop him, and started pulling as hard as he could in opposite directions. His firecracker wife sighed, watching the show before her. Good thing she had been tempered with patience by years of the Wolverine. Logan held the box in the air, suspended by the blades emerging between his fingers, while twisting and pulling his hands in a pattern that would have made Quicksilver dizzy. And all the while, a monotonous if powerful growl emerged from between clenched teeth.

Jubilee sighed and watched the show, hands on her hips and the closed exacto limp in her hand. Logan was over reacting perhaps, but she could tell from the dull flush creeping up his neck that it was as much from embarrassment as irritation.

"Logan, if you'll just hold still... no, sweetheart, let me get that... Wolvie, would you knock it off!... oh, that can't be good for either one of you..." Logan was now sinking his teeth in the package, ripping ferociously. Jubilee decided to take her distraction to the highest level.

"Logan, SEX!"

The growls stopped, the man froze, and two very intent hazel eyes were fixed upon Jubilation Lee. She gulped at the instantaneous change, but advanced cautiously.

"Now, hold still..." A few slices of the exacto knife later, and the box lay quiescent and innocent upon the countertop. Truth be told, strips of ducktape hung from Logan's claws like battered streamers, but the box was detached. Logan snorted, growling ashamedly under his breath, but with his attention still fully fixed upon the small Asian before him. Jubilee swiftly cut aside the offending tape, revealing a plain brown box. Shaking it, she frowned and opened the lid, ignoring a grateful Logan.

Beneath a layer of foam peanuts, a small, squat, and rather ugly statue of Buddha held court. Jubilee lifted it out, pulling off the tag around its neck absentmindedly while turning the carved wood this way and that to examine its possible points. Logan advanced, his attention back to the present, as he nervously trying to peel off the tape on his claws before Jubilation noticed. He had had enough embarrassing stories for one day, thank you very much...

The hazel eyes widened when they read the note. All fiddling with the stubborn silver tape stilled, and Logan's lips moved silently as they read the message for the second time, then reached into the box and pulled out a video tape hidden under another layer of peanuts. Jubilee looked up at the sound of the door slamming, to see Logan sprinting across the lawn towards the mansion. Frowning, she picked up the discarded paper card, typically orange, and held it up to the light. A moment later and she too was at the door, yelling after Logan to wait for her, the card drifting towards the ground.

_Thought he'd have fun with this. Crikey, hope the security camera in your bungalow is still working, I only installed it yesterday. Still, I think between the movie of precisely **what **you two use that table for and how Wolvie-boy will likely do with my wrapping job, you two will be setting me up for retirement. Already have advance orders for copies of the video. See ya around, and enjoy Buddha - but be nice to the bloke and don't put him the bedroom, will you? Or the kitchen, come to think of it... Have a nice honeymoon mates._

_St. John Allerdyce_

**Later that night:**

"I still can' believe you kep' me from hur'in' the bugger Jubes."

Logan glared across at his wife. A patch of pink and obviously recently healed skin covered his arm. Pyro had taken it into his head to defend himself when he saw the irate Wolverine running at him, closely followed by a furiously _paff_ing Jubilee. The now serene Jubilation shrugged carelessly.

"Got the original vid, though, didn't we hon?"

Wolverine snorted skeptically. Jubilee responded by pulling a handful of scarves out of her husband's hands. "Don't need those."

Logan scowled. That was their favorite game, and now she was telling him not to bring the scarves? What had marriage done to his woman?

Jubilee looked up, and seeing the expression on Wolverine's face, hastened to explain. "I've got us covered for that one. Even found something to hold you." She deliberately dug through her messy jumble of clean laundry, finally emerging with a roll of silver tape. Logan's eyes flashed.

Jubilee looked at the roll before glancing innocently up at him. "John gave it to me. Think it'll hold?" She slowly pulled a piece off and measured it with her eyes. "Might pull some hair off, but in the long run..." Logan growled and shoved their suitcases off the bed.

Jubilee never did find out just what the long run would be.


	2. Chapter 2

"Now, come on darlin'; just a little farther... was tha' really called for!?"

_pant pant _

"No, no, no' like tha'. Please, darlin', le' go!"

_growl _

"Le' go, or I'll rip ya from end t'end!"

_snikt_

Jubilee, ever the curious spectator, pressed her ear closer to the hinge of the garage. Her posture stiff with anticipation, she awaited the next cryptic comment from Logan. It wasn't often she was able to sneak up on the grouchy Canadian, past occupations or not. A loud grunt drew her even closer to the door, her body pressed flush against the wood and hot metal. She hardly noticed the sting against her legs from the noon-day warmed sheeting as the next comment made it's way to her ear, barely quieted by the plywood wall.

She had been planning a shopping trip into town, but this was almost as interesting. Besides, how was she supposed to get out of the mansion without Logan following her if Wolverine was in the garage?

"Goddamn, fuckin'... where's Scooter when I need 'im?" The sound of something very heavy hitting the ground shook the garage floor. Logan's harsh breathing could be heard. "On secon' though', Scooter woul' be bad."

Jubilee pressed herself even closer to the doorjamb, so engrossed by the one-sided conversation she forgot to chew her gum.

"Maybe if I..."

A roar of pain reverberated throughout the garage. The mansion sparkler, still eavesdropping in her trademark yellow, jumped several inches and scraped her nose on the rough wood. Nursing the injured skin, she glared at the door. It now sounded as though someone were dragging a rough and very heavy sackcloth on the rough concrete floor. Jubilee considered bursting in, just to satisfy her overpowering curiosity. She had begun to inch her hand, complete with black nail polish, towards the handle when another roar, this time followed by a whimper, made her hastily press her ear to the door.

The Wolverine whimpering?

She once again contemplated bursting in, but decided that if her boyfriend was going to save the world in their garage, she would just have to let him do so without interruption. He just got so _grumpy_ when people interfered with his savior complex. She absently chewed her gum and blew a bubble, freezing as it popped loudly.

Logan growled inside, and she heard a hearty sniff break the silence. "Jubilee?" The voice was grating, harsh, and abnormally aggressive.

Jubilee thought very quiet, completely scent-less thoughts.

"Jubilee, darlin'?"

Jubilee's eyes widened. Why, it sounded as though he were... well... from any other man, she would say he was _begging_! The pull to open the door was fast becoming undeniable.

A loud groan from inside made up her mind. Squaring petite shoulders, she turned the handle and flung the door open to reveal something she would have never, in her wildest and most vivid dreams pictured.

Let us rewind and take a peek through the images flying through Jubilee's head as she turned that handle. Perhaps Logan had gotten himself trapped under a car. That would be the most likely and mundane reason. Of course, since it _is _Wolverine, other images of blood and gore naturally flashed past her eyes, followed by a brief and terrifying picture of the rest of the mansion's women tying him to the hood of a car for unknown... well, alright, well-known reasons. None of these, however, came even close to the scene before her.

The gum fell with a _plop _from her gaping mouth as the turquoise eyes moved from item to item in the garage. Most noticeable was the broken axe handle, a pile of neatly shishkabobed firewood, and an empty cardboard roll.

And then there was Logan.

Jubilee slapped her hand against her mouth to stifle the scream.

"Darlin' it ain' funny! Mrph!"

Logan, aka Wolverine, oober-mutant and superhero extraordinaire, had met his adamantium match.

Ducktape, great silver swathes of it, encompassed his entire body. It wound between his legs, tangled with his fingers, glued his arms to his sides, and wrapped tightly and intact around the ten-inch lethal claws emerging between his fingers. At the moment, he was trying to chew through a piece from his fetal position on the floor. Jubilee sighed and advanced on her boyfriend with an evil glint in her eyes.

Logan, having full knowledge of what that glint could mean, struggled vainly with his sticky cage. Jubilee stopped just above him, watching the great Wolverine writhe and twist, wrapping still more of the tape around himself. Bending over, she picked up a piece of silver that had been discarded.

"Well, well, fixing the axe with ducktape. Must have gotten the idea from 'ole one-eye... you going to make fun of me next time I complain about waxing?"

Logan shook his head mutely, revealing a bare patch of skin where normally a muttonchop grew. Jubilee examined the bald cheek as tape twirled in her fingers. The entire surface of the sticky side was covered in thick, black hair, perfectly matching the rectangular patch of skin.

"How about when I go out without you? Are you going to be good and not follow me?" Logan growled, but nodded.

"And will you allow me to name our first-born child Scott?" Wolverine looked like he might start frothing at the mouth any moment. A single sharp nod satisfied his girlfriend. Jubilee grinned and squatted down next to him.

"I'm going to remember this next time you pull out the scarves. Oh, and I should take a picture for posterity." She ignored Logan, who had luckily managed to get a piece of tape across his mouth, masking the doubtless x-rated language attempting to emerge. His eyes narrowed in concentration. Jubilee dug through her purse, finally coming up with a cell phone. Flipping it open, she focused the camera on Logan.

"Say cheese honey. I want this to come out just right."

Logan growled something else likely along the lines of breaking up. Jubilee ignored him again. She casually clicked through her photo album, saving the photo. Logan flexed his muscles, and felt the tape give slightly. He lay quiescent as, still chattering, Jubilee began to cut the tape away from him, waiting for the moment when he could...

Now!

Jubilation's eyes widened as Logan, in his short yet stocky glory, lunged upwards. Nerveless hands dropped scissors as she scrambled for the open doorway with Wolverine hot on her tail. Her boyfriend trailed strips of tape like some horrifying modern day ducktape mummy, yet somehow managed to look ferocious despite the ridiculous appearance. The pair darted towards the mansion, Jubilee throwing random _paff_s over her shoulder while Logan ducked and weaved the assault, growling.

Yellow clad feet pounded into the mansion, skidding around the corner and crashing into the rec room with undisguised haste. Logan stopped in the hallway, ripping off handfuls of the sticky tape and throwing them down, sniffing through the scent-laden air for Jubilee. He finally turned and stamped noisily off towards the kitchen.

Behind the rec door, Jubilee breathed a sigh of relief. Turning away and grinning, she took out her phone and opened it, looking at the pictures in her photo album with evident amusement. She was so engrossed in her browsing that the firecracker didn't notice the door behind her creaking slowly open. A partially bald cheek and dark eye came through the crack slowly. Logan crept through the opening soundlessly, stalking Jubilee as she snickered at the photo.

"This is so going on the school website..."

Logan pounced, knocked the smaller Asian girl down. She shrieked, wriggled desperately, and then went slack, knowing that hope had departed. Logan growled harder and held her wrists, tape still dangling from various regions of his anatomy. Jubilee, looking upwards at her boyfriend, giggled. Well, there had to be better ways to get him to tackle her, but she hadn't found them yet.

"Tha'... wasn'... nice... darlin'..."

Yes, Jubilee thought rather happily as a somewhat less scratchy Logan kissed her soundly. Hope had definitely departed - so far as shopping went.


End file.
